As I was riding down Duval today, I stopped and waited for a hurried tourist and her husband to step out in front of me and cross the street (we can all relate).  I offered up my nicest smile and nod to the visitors.  The woman gave me a disgusted sideways glance while declaring to her husband and making sure it was loud enough for me to benefit too, "Bikes don’t belong down here!"

 

I paused to retrieve the piece of tongue I had bitten off and rode on.  Decided to take a trip ’round the island and ponder the wise stranger’s proposal.  Maybe she was right, maybe bikes don’t belong here.  I’ve always had a spooky feeling that bike stores and bike rental places were purveyors of evil and promoters of moral corruption.  Selling machines that run to the flowing movement of the lower body.  Encouraging people to use something that can easily stir up endorphins.  How can we ever become completely paralyzed by obesity and oil dependence so long as we encourage human power?

 

As far as I could see down Duval, I counted around 20 bikes – there were surely tons more – I just couldn’t see past the cars.  There was a line of 15 or so cars and trucks obediently starting and stopping at the command of the traffic lights.  As I glided past the line of cars I thought; If we took just those 20 bikers and put them in cars – we could completely fill the space between the lights and use Duval Street much more efficiently.  If some of those cars had locals in them – we could have later opening times at all the businesses since we would be enjoying more time sitting our our air conditioned bubbles – staring at the car ahead while listening to the radio – while waiting in line to find a parking space – so we could get to work to make money to pay for gas and parking. 

 

As I cut off Duval to some of those deserted side streets and alleys where us pesky locals live and travel, I thought; maybe we could get our own traffic chopper.  It would give our local radio stations more to talk about and report.  If all of us that ride bikes, get in cars – we’ll have some real traffic to talk about – maybe we can get GRIDLOCK – we could rename it Conch-stipation!

 

If we got rid of bikes we could trash the bike lanes.  We could widen our streets!  I’m sure the folks on Southard and Fleming would gladly give up some yard to widen the streets.  We could 2 lane them, increase speed limits, rid the neighborhoods of those pesky bikes, and have more cars!

 

As I scooted past the Southern Most Point monument, I realized how rude of me it was to pass all that traffic.  I should certainly wait my turn!  How distracting it must be for the tourists, trying to get a peak from their cars or standing in the street blocking traffic, to have me breeze on past.  I was starting to get it… this is no place for bikes!

 

Cruising through the neighborhood around the Casa Marina, it hit me that we could do away with all of the bike racks in town and maybe, since we’d need more parking, we could knock down some of those stupid old pirate houses the Conch Train people talk about and build some parking lots. 

 

Down past Higgs Beach and the Rainbow Pier the picture became even clearer!  If we get rid of bikes – maybe some of those people down there – (you know the ones that hang around the picnic tables and drink and sleep and stuff) would go away – since they wouldn’t be able to get around on bikes anymore.

 

Hitting South Roosevelt along Smather’s, the fresh breeze and salt air hit me.  I felt sorry for myself and knew that if bikes were outlawed, I’d be behind the wheel of a car and not getting all wind blown and sticky.  I guess it must really stink trying to get pictures of the ocean and beach with all of us bikes in the way.  Heaven forbid you have to open the window, let out all the A/C and get that sticky, smelly salt air in your car!

 

Coming back along North Roosevelt I had the epiphany of epiphanies.  I caught sight of a stingray gliding along in the shallows – right there alongside where I was riding!  I recalled the day I came by there and a fisherman pulled a 3 foot barracuda out of the water and laid him across the sidewalk.  This is dangerous – what if I fell and landed on the stingray or barracuda (we’re all now sadly aware of the damage stingray barbs can do)!  I looked at the long line of traffic backed up at the light on Roosevelt and recalled the throngs of tourists clogging Duval!  They certainly weren’t in the dangerous position I had put me and my bike in.  Right then and there I committed to throw my bike in the water and get in my car and drive everywhere from now on.  Bikes do not belong here. 

 

Having my mind and eyes opened by that wise tourist – I imagined her snorkeling the reef and declaring "Fish don’t belong here".  It’s a great and freeing line of thought – imagine yourself touring the Amazon and enlightening the local tribes – "Trees don’t belong here!"  Or maybe on safari in Africa – "Animals don’t belong here!"  You gotta love our tourists and be thankful they see most of the island from the safety of of a cool car.  Otherwise – some of those un-named cross town back streets might be crowded with wobbly gawking out-of towners – slowing us down from getting where we’re pedaling too.